A Prayer for the Runaways:
This is for the runaways
The ones who walked out the door the final time
And the ones stuck sweaty hand slipping off the doorknob
Ears tuned into the sounds of sleeping parents upstairs
To aunts cooking in the kitchen
For the ones that know no one is listening
For that final slam
I’m praying to gods and goddesses I’m never even sure that I believe in
That you have the strength to walk out that door
To stay gone
Because they don’t deserve you
And they never did
I’m praying that you don’t hit that squeaky stair in the middle of the night
That the battery on your cell phone lasts long enough that you can call a friend
That you remembered to empty your piggy bank
That you remember you’re not alone
I began working on the above piece of writing a few weeks ago. I’m not really sure where it’s going, but it seemed appropriate to share today. Several friends and I have been involved with giving support to a young man who wants to leave his abusive parents that do not support anything about his gender or queerness. He’s left a few times, and despite being a legal adult believes there lies and instead of freedom chooses to stay their prisoner. This weekend I got word that a Kicked Out contributor is again in crisis staying with abusive family members temporarily because he doesn’t have other options right now. It breaks my heart and I feel powerless because other than listen there is relatively very little that I can do, especially because I know that these are only two examples of the thousands and thousands of youth in similar situations right now.
This weekend I got a letter from my maternal grandmother filled with guilt trips (expected) but also containing information I’d never had. She let me know that in the days after I’d left my mother’s house she’d been working with the courts and my mother to attempt to force me to come and live with her (this would have forced reunification with my mother). She still thinks my mother is innocent, a victim and that I’ve made mistakes. She asked “how could this happen to our family” I’m so shocked and grateful that the Clackamas County court system who filed assault charges against my mother, but otherwise was not all that helpful to me then or six months later when I was again homeless, followed the law. As my grandmother explained it the social worker had told them she’d have me at her house by 5pm, only to call later in the evening and report they couldn’t force me to go anywhere. “We were not happy” was what my grandmother wrote. It was chilling to think of what could have happened, but also important to remember it didn’t.
These were all thoughts running through my mind when on Saturday afternoon when I sat arm in the hands of my very talented tattoo artist and got a piece that finishes off my lower right arm. If you’ve seen pictures of me you’ll know that I’m pretty heavily tattooed. What you might not know is that that ink tells stories of it’s own. I use tattoos to create memorials, promises, maps of the places I’ve been and the journeys I’m still on.
For a long time now I’ve been planning a piece of ink that would symbolize my journey as a writer, my time as a zinester, the workshops I’ve taught, my mentors, friends, and colleges in this work, for the Kicked Out contributors, the stories I’ve written, and the ones yet to come and of course for ‘Kicked Out’ itself.
Two weeks ago I was part of a panel at The Center here in NYC looking at the epidemic of LGBTQ youth homelessness. One of the things I kept returning to there was the idea that stories do things that numbers cannot. I don’t mean this to discredit the statistics- they are very important but there is something different about hearing how many homeless current and former queer youth there are and stopping to listen to their/our stories. This tattoo is a permanent visual representation of my promise and commitment to never stop telling my stories, and to continue to encourage others to do the same, and Kicked Out remains my promise and commitment that past, current, and future generations of homeless LGBTQ youth will not feel alone.